Coping with Uncertainty: Part 3
I’ve found in my work over the years, that there are three main ways of coping with uncertainty. I call these the Three Doors, because the doors all lead to greater peace in uncertainty, but each one provides a different perspective and skills to get you there. The Three Doors are: Focusing on What I can Control, Recognizing How I will be Ok, and Accepting Groundlessness.
This is the third blog post in the series.
Door 3: Accepting Groundlessness
The third door is the hardest, but can also be the most powerful. It might be a good idea to try the other two doors first, before coming to this one. This third door is all about Radical Acceptance of what you cannot control or predict.
When I was pregnant and about to become a parent, I definitely focused on what I could control and how I was going to be ok. Yet I still felt a lot of uncertainty. At the end of the day, I had to accept that I could not know what parenting would be like until I got there. I am learning as my child grows, that this continues to be true! Accepting Groundlessness doesn’t mean liking it, or even feeling comfortable. What it does mean is letting go of the narratives. Our brains like to tell us stories to fill in the blanks of what we don’t know. Often these narratives are driven by fear and worst case scenarios. Instead of focusing on fearful expectations, we can experiment with curiosity.
Accepting Groundlessness is an invitation to pause and bring curious awareness to our experience. Often times, feelings of overwhelming uncertainty are a good reminder to take a break. When you find yourself feeling this way, or if you’ve already done one of the other exercises and you still feel anxious, turn your attention to the present moment. I often work with clients to find grounding techniques that are easy ways to center themselves. A grounding technique I use is to take a deep breath with my hand over my heart.
When you’re ready, practice being an observer of the present moment. Notice the stories you’re telling yourself, your beliefs about uncertainty, and the tension you’re holding in your body. With curiosity, you can ask questions and experiment with getting a little more comfortable in the here and now.
When I’m feeling uncertain about parenting, I do my best to pause and notice the stories I’m telling myself. My stories often have to do with making unknown mistakes or not being able to handle challenges with my kid in the future. I tend to carry my tension in my shoulders and my jaw. After pausing to ground myself and relax my muscles, I can be curious about what is happening with my kid right now. Am I doing anything I find questionable? Are either of us hungry or tired? Most of the time when I can check in, I see that things are just fine right now.
This also becomes a space to experiment with compassion. Rather than seeking answers, control, or certainty, you can simply be kind to yourself about the scary thing you’re facing. I know as a parent in a global pandemic, this can be a daily practice. I can’t predict and plan for every challenge I will face in parenting, but I can bring kindness to myself in knowing that I’ll do my best.
No strategy can make uncertainty go away, but all three of these “doors” helps us be a little more ok with it. We can focus on actions to take, sources of support, and open up to the possibility of curiosity and compassion.
