Coping with Uncertainty, Part 1
Fear of uncertainty seems to be ingrained in human nature. Our curious, complicated minds are always seeking answers and putting together narratives. Our discomfort with the unknown can be so strong, that our brains would rather make up a worst case scenario than recognize there is no answer. At its most mild, a fear of uncertainty can feel like a small pit in your stomach. At its worst, it can be a debilitating tidal wave.
I’ve found in my work over the years, that there are three main ways of coping with uncertainty. I call these the Three Doors, because the doors all lead to greater peace in uncertainty, but each one provides a different perspective and skills to get you there. The Three Doors are: Focusing on What I can Control, Recognizing How I will be Ok, and Accepting Groundlessness.
Over the next three blog posts, I will provide directions on using each of these Doors.
Door 1: Focusing on What I can Control
When caught up in worries about a situation that feels uncertain, it’s easy to become fixated on what is outside of your control. This skill is straightforward and can help give you a greater sense of agency and peace. We start by drawing out the chart that I’ve used as the image for this blog post. It is a square divided into four equal quadrants. The top row is “What do I have control over?” and “What do I not have control over?” The bottom row is “What am I going to do with my control?” and “How will I let it be?”
Let’s use the example of fear of driving to work through the exercise together. Many clients I meet with who have a fear of driving feel anxious about the other drivers on the road. They focus on all the aspects of driving that are outside of their control and feel a great amount of uncertainty.
The client and I would start the exercise by making a list of what they can and cannot control. This may be something they’ve already done in their head. Usually, though, we tend to be much more aware of what is not in our control. I encourage clients to not do one list at a time. Instead, we bounce back and forth between the two columns as the client thinks of things. I’ve written out an example below. Go ahead and make your own lists, too, for the uncertainty you are coping with.
What do I have control over?
The speed I drive
How I keep my hands on the wheel
The weather conditions I choose to drive in
Distractions in the car
The distance I keep from cars in front of me
What do I not have control over?
Other drivers
Changes in weather conditions
Changes in traffic patterns
Road conditions
Let’s check in, just about the first row. Do you notice any changes in how you feel now that you’ve made your two lists? Is there anything on either list that surprises you? You may notice some resistance when looking at the two top boxes. Often clients I work with have strong narratives about their uncertainty and want to stay focused on what is out of their control. If you think of anything else that’s not in your control, add it to the list. Otherwise, set the narratives aside for later. We can come back to them.
The next question is: What am I going to do with my control? My client can focus on their own driving and reinforce the belief that they are a safe driver. This can become an opportunity for self-compassion when they see that they are doing they best they can. It also becomes a mindfulness exercise by helping the client continue to redirect their attention back to the present and their own actions. Plus, there are some proactive steps they could take, like learning more about defensive driving to increase their confidence.
What am I going to do with my control?
Focus on my own driving
Learn about defensive driving skills so I know I’m being as safe as I can be
Remain aware of other drivers and minimize distraction
The last question is the hardest. “How will I let it be?” If we had started here, we would get stuck. But coming to it after assessing our control and naming actions, it might feel easier. Ultimately, we know that worrying about other drivers and what is out of our control will not actually protect us. Letting it be is easier when we feel good about our own actions. My client can choose to let it be, which is different than liking it or being ok with it. They can recognize that driving has risks and that they can tolerate the risks in order to also experience the benefits.
How will I let it be?
I know that I am doing my best to be a safe driver
Worrying about other drivers will not actually protect me
I am mitigating the inherent risks of driving to the best of my ability
Let’s check in again. Now that you’ve completed the whole grid, what do you notice? Are there actions in your control that you are already doing? Are there any new actions to try? What would it feel like to let the rest be?
This is a great strategy for plenty of uncertain situations, but sometimes it’s not enough. I will go into the second and third Doors in the next couple months.
